Bad news?! I'll fight!...

A few months ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I hate labels and I hate how they make people behave toward you, but at least gives me a piece of tranquillity knowing that all my fatigue, pain, and symptoms have a cause to be. I’ve been taking all medication for my pain since I came to England – over 7 years ago – funny enough the weather here doesn’t help at all, so maybe that’s why I never got diagnosed in Portugal. The point is, even though I’m going through this for many, many years, I had to fight with the doctors, after giving up many times, so they could finally refer me to a Rheumatologist, as things just got worse! I’ve been on Naproxen 1g/day for the same time – almost 7 years – and every doctor would say “You are not supposed to take that for more than a few weeks”, but they never changed it. So, guess what? I’m still on it in 2023! And, they don’t make much effect as expected, but still, there was no change!

I’m 36 years old and I always wanted to have a family, but I always worked hard – many hours, long days, and I’m always busy with personal projects, so I don’t actually have/find time (or patience) to date! But the years are passing by and I got to the conclusion that, if I’m waiting for the perfect conditions to start a family I will die before that happen. Just a few people are lucky enough to afford to create the perfect conditions, the others (me included) have to make it work – one way or another – if we really want it to happen!

So, even though I’m trying to work from home since ever, more so since I came here, as remote work is recognized and preferred in some companies, I didn’t get the opportunity to do so – and is not for lack of applications and tries, believe me! On my CV, since I’m here, I worked mainly in care and teaching assistant jobs, so the companies look at my CV and think that if I’m in care means I’m someone who doesn’t know how to do anything, that has no skills or even the will and ability to learn. WRONG! I was Interior Designer in Portugal for 5 years, for example, I was at University, … but that doesn’t matter, they just care about the recent experience – seems like Alzheimer’s took over and deleted our memories and experiences. The fact that I speak 2 languages, I work with computers since 2006, and have many IT courses, I wrote and published a book (2012) – I still love writing, as you can see! I love 3D animation, I take many courses online because I get bored very easily and I need to learn and explore new things, … they don’t take that into consideration… They just ask for experience – but how can I gain experience if I don’t get the opportunity to learn and show what I’m capable of? Well, still applying and going to some interviews – I believe someone will see my worth.

So, my idea was after starting to work from home I could maybe be less tired and have less pain, so maybe my social life could start to exist. Then, maybe I would have new friends and among them, I could find my other half and my dream would come true! I know, seems like a soap opera – but I like to dream! 🙂 But, since that would take a few years, something that I might not have in order to become a mom, I’m sincerely thinking about a shortcut.

Don’t look at me like that, let me explain!!!

A few years ago, I would never consider something like this – even when mentioned and suggested by a friend, but now, well, I don’t really care anymore – life is short and I’m the boss of mine! I will not let any more time pass by and wait for prince charming to come in the white horse! So, Last year or so, I decided that I want to become a mom – NO MATTER WHAT and I’m aware I’m not in a relationship, also I am not going to just start one or have a one-night stand and become pregnant – NOT DUMB, would not even be fair for the other part! So, my plan is to have a donor sperm and have home insemination. So, I already have someone that offered to be the donor, and all the necessary health tests will be done before the procedure takes place – for both of us! So, the problem is fixed – no sex, no relationship, no attachment, and the other person will sign a contract of no affiliation to the kid. GREAT! Well, at least that was what I thought!

This year, I’ve spoken with my GP a few times, I had asked for advice on the subject and after being diagnosed, the doctor said “Well, you shouldn’t consider becoming pregnant first with your condition and also when taking Naproxen, that medicine is harmful to the baby’s heart!“

“Well, so you just need to replace the medication with another that works and problem solved!” – I said.

“The only tablet that pregnant woman can take is Paracetamol“. – she replies!

“But Paracetamol doesn’t even touch my pain never did, even for headaches.” – I insisted.

“I’m afraid that must be it. That’s why you should not even think about it, it would make your life harder and it wouldn’t be fair for the baby either! Let’s see what the pain clinic says, they might be able to find something else.” – she insisted!

And in less than 5 minutes, all my hopes were taken down like an avalanche.

When I thought that I had everything under control, ups! actually, maybe I didn’t!

Well, after going over the conversation in my head a few thousand times, I decided that I want this child more than anything else – I’ve been waiting all my life for it, so it will not be a diagnosis or a medication that will put me off – if I will need to be out of the medication while pregnant and breastfeeding, be it, but I cannot delay my desire for one more year! My child (girl) has been given a name since I was a kid, so you can see how much I always wanted to be a MOM… (If turns out to be a boy, I will need to rename the baby though!)

I know many people will disagree, and will call me many things including selfish, but you should know by now that I DON’T CARE! There are people giving children away, killing children, mistreating them and there are people like me that all I want is to have a child that can be loved, and time after time things have been made difficult. I’ve tried to adopt, I’ve tried to become a foster parent, … nothing, too many questions, paperwork, nosiness to make the process hard so you end up giving up! Well, being my child they can’t do anything, I will suffer but I will be a mom, NO MATTER WHAT! Having fibromyalgia and similar diagnoses doesn’t make people invalid, we still know how to love, care and look after! We haven’t died just yet!