JoTita Gonçalves

I don’t want to die, I just want to end the pain, the emptiness, the hole inside me… But how? Every day more things come together…I don’t have room for anything else! How to end a pain that is part of me? How to end something that lives with me day after day? It’s not like a piece of clothing that when dirty we take it off and put it on to wash, returning everything to normal… “This pain is ME!” I tried to ignore it, I tried to put it behind my back, I tried to resolve it and even accept it, but this one took hold of me and it is the one who dominates me! I did my best, my utmost, I tried everything, … but I had no success! I’ve got to the point that nothing matters to me anymore, I don’t feel anything, I’m so empty that I have to do something to be able to feel that I’m still alive! The heart beats, the lungs get air, and the brain still works (sometimes), but what about me? I’m the one who simply transports all these organs and does what they tell me to do… I don’t have a choice anymore, they order and I obey! Is to be like that? NO!!!

Things must change! I tried to do everything I could to change this ending, but the more I try the more it hurts, the more I see it’s not worth it. It’s not worth fighting alone, it’s a losing battle!

If I cannot be more lost, let me be who orders – the boss – for once! It’s sad to be surrounded by people and at the same time alone, being with people and not being appreciated, being with people but not being noticed…

All the joy of living was stolen from me year after year, day after day… Until a few years ago, I’ve just been here, pretending to be always great, with a happy and busy life, when I really just want to scream and cry for hours, say how distressed I am and that I don’t quite know why! But that’s not acceptable, I’d be pushing people away, I’d be being weak – someone with fragilities and vulnerabilities – and that’s not me! I have to be strong for others… But who is strong for me? Nobody, because only 1 or 2 people really took the trouble to get to know me, overcome the obstacles, the barriers I put up, tried to see beyond the obvious, tried to reach me, tried to touch my heart, … didn’t give up on me! Only these are strong for me! Everyone else ignores… It’s a lot of trouble trying to figure out why someone tries to push people away. It’s easier to give up or not even try!

But this just shows who really deserves something from me, my consideration, concern, respect, and friendship! What you give me is what you get!

I feel so empty that sometimes I have to do something, even if it’s wrong, just to try to understand if I can still feel – guilt, for example. How sad it is to get to this point!

Crying with no tears, screaming with no voice, running with no movement, … I exist but I DO NOT LIVE! For that, it is better to die!