Time to say goodbye - closure!

There is a quote that I’ve heard last week that made me think a lot:

How true is this!!! There was someone that in the last couple of years, I've been looking to with respect, appreciation and as a role model! For a long time, I was so blind by all the sparkling bits, that I couldn't see any of the true colours behind it! I would be there telling everyone how wonderful you were and how lucky we were for having you! At some point, I couldn't see any flaws because I would always find a reason to justify wherever it would happen...! I used to contemplate how similar we were... and that simple thought would make me feel so proud! (Little did I know what was at the end of the corner waiting for me!) Sometimes, when I look back, I miss those times... things seemed calmer and, at that time, they were running smoothly.

Living an illusion can be good for a while, but also, it’s dangerous and a fake reality.

During those almost 2 years, I’ve enjoyed and learnt a lot of things with you. What I liked the most was how comfortable I felt talking with you, I even managed to confide in you a few things (and it’s hard for me to open up…!), I felt understood, listened to, non-judged and free! I always tried to look out for you, because I couldn’t stand if someone would try to be mean to you, so I would defend you and, sometimes I even would tell you what was going on! (As some people say, I’ve misplaced my loyalty to the wrong person – YOU!…) We had times when we seemed like the perfect team, I really loved those moments! I felt so happy and lucky while it lasted!

But in the last 8 months, things became very weird… and, because I was not seeing only the shiny parts anymore, all my “perfect” vision of you fell apart. I can tell for sure, that during these times, I wondered a lot of things including what to do and even if my life had any value or purpose. All my ways of seeing things changed suddenly and, what before was beautiful and perfect, turned into something heavy and unbearable! From one day to another, it seems that someone had replaced the person I once knew, by just leaving behind the same body and shape but with a completely different personality and heart! So, I would look at that person in front of me, but the one I was actually expecting to reach, was not there anymore! This made me feel so sad and empty! Before I would see us working in the same direction and with the same goals, but now we were complete strangers to each other that had nothing in common. This person was very difficult to talk to (if you would give me any chance for that!) – always right, not willing to listen, cold, distant, insensitive, and impersonal. I really hated that NEW you… The strange thing is that some days, I could see some traces of your “OLD personality” and these would give me some hope, that not everything was lost and maybe I could make you come back…. but the truth is – the “OLD” you never wanted to come back… (There are things that will never gonna change, no matter how hard we try…!)

So, once again, my hopes would drop and here I was, alone again…at this stage, fighting against someone that once I’ve tried to become…!

At some point, I started to take some things personally and I would be jealous of a few things that before we would share, but now you would not even include me anymore! There were so many days that I just wanted to disappear!… But you know I’m sassy, feisty and I would not give up that easy, so I would show you “my attitude” of disapproval and that some things were not quite right. Sometimes it would work, sometimes it wouldn’t. I guess after a while, “my attitude” was the only thing you could see in me… and you just had “to accept” that I would not change or just pretend to be okay with things! I was hoping that you would ask what was wrong and why, but we would not talk much about it because we would never agree on what the problem was and what needed to change. You would just throw at me what I would do wrong and if I would try to tell you your flaws you would not hear it! We would go in a loop that would take us nowhere!…

So, my anger at you started to become stronger to the point that I would not tolerate any little mistakes that you would make! My resentment towards you was huge at this point!

Unconsciously, I became like your “NEW personality” – picky, complaining about everything and unhappy! Not all the time I was aware of that… but when I heard some records – I could “see” myself! Oh, I hated that ME…I was so annoying!!!

I always looked at you (unconsciously!) with some “adoration”, as someone has told me a few months ago and that honest comment made me feel very upset… but now I kinda can see it myself… I thought you were, not perfect, BUT strong, powerful/invincible, fair, righteous, humble and human… Oh boy, I was so far from the truth!… Sometimes I ask myself if the others were right and you have always been like that since ever, but I just didn’t want to see it!… I believed in you so much… I don’t know why did I put you in such a high position, but for sure, it was very important for me! (In the end, I could admit that they would be right at times because I could see you doing or saying things that would prove them right!… I hated that… it made me doubt myself and I felt the fool for all the times that I was protecting and defending you!…)

So, as expected, we fell apart day after day… I was sad to see how things changed and you never really tried to find out why. You accepted what you believed was happening, but you never actually tried to question it by yourself… In your opinion, everything was my fault and that was the end of it! (I wish you could have listened to me, as you would have done before, without any questions! We would never get to this point! I’ve tried to reach the “OLD you”, on different occasions, but you were not interested to be challenged and giving me the benefit of the doubt would mean that there was a possibility that you could be wrong! So, this was not even an option! But WHY? Were you feeling guilty, ashamed, weak, exposed, vulnerable or in denial?! Or were you seeing yourself in me, at some point? There are so many valid options running through in my head right now!…) Well, in the end, it was your choice… for me, it was hard to accept, took time, but after I got it… I can’t force no one to do what they don’t want to! We are all free to make our own choices! You’re not an exception!…

Still, one last time – with nothing to lose for anyone, I’ve tried to prove to you what I was trying to say for all those months, but guess what? You didn’t even bother… (I’m not sure I believe completely in your version of things (lately I didn’t trust you at all!) – I’m sure you would be very curious… but anyway…!) Once again, you were always right! Why would you give it a shot and waste a little bit of your precious time? No, not with me… I’m not important… I never was…not at all! (I was just one more person to manipulate and to be one of your puppets while you needed or until I woke up and said “it’s enough!”…!)

Again, my illusion made me believe that you would be a considerate person and, at least, you would “see” what was in there! Of course not! You just “got rid of it” (as you’ve said!) – you preferred once again to be blind by choice than face the reality and admit that you were wrong! Two words: COWARD & CONVENIENT! Why did you become so arrogant and too proud?! Always remember: pretend that something doesn’t exist, doesn’t make it go away or fix anything!…

You may have destroyed the things (❓), well… I haven’t! So, if anytime you would like to give it a shot, everything you need is at this link:

1. Download the file;

2. open the .zip folder;

3. open the notepad file;

4. put the password (sent to your WhatsApp with this post’s link);

5. you’ll have the link with all the protected files!

Not that I believe you will ever do it, but, this is my closure to everything that has to do with you, so I don’t want to be accused of keeping things “hidden” from you!

I’m trying my best to be fair and all I always wanted was to protect you, but in the end, I was the “bad guy”! Well, it served me well, I guess!… But it has served you even better!… (Oh yes, I heard!…) Looks like you were not found so innocent after all, as you’ve tried to appear… (And “your golden boy” has helped!…) At least, someone had the power and the guts to make you pay for your mistakes… I don’t say that I’m happy about that, but I admit that gives me some relief… That was the proof that, in a sense, I needed… because it just proved me so right…! Shame for you, though… but think about it, if you were not to blame they would not find any evidence… As you always said, “we must be accountable for our actions…“. Well, your time just came, late but I guess it’s better late than never… (I guess that this can be one of the motives that you are not able to deal with more guilt and shame… so you just ignored all of the stuff I was trying to make you aware of… sorry, but I can’t accept that as an excuse, I can understand, but it’s not a reason to behave the mean ways you did…!) You know I will always tell you what I feel and think – even if this means being too honest – I didn’t change!…

Anyway, I wish you all the best… I feel sad that things had to end this way, I know I made mistakes, I’ve said sorry and maybe I should have made different choices in some circumstances, but I’m human and I’m also allowed to have my flaws. As you said, “We don’t have to like everyone and not everyone has to like us.” I always tried to fix things over and over again… but you never thought that there was anything needing to be fixed… To be honest, I never thought that YOU would be the only person (from the last 8 months) that I would not have any more contact with… in my head, I had so many different ideas… For some reason, I was under the impression that we would be good friends, share our stories, be there for each other, meet up for coffee and stuff… I was just so STUPID & NAIVE!… Always the DREAMER!!!

I’ve written in one of the letters that you say you “didn’t read”🤔:

“REMEMBER: “What you give is what you get from me!” – I’ve always told you that! (…) I don’t expect any answer from you because you were always too proud to say sorry or to admit your mistakes! NO WORRIES, I FORGIVE YOU, BUT I DON’T FORGET IT!“

But the truth is, for there to be forgiveness there has to be an apology… so, I guess I cannot forgive you completely!

What comforts me is to know that my consciousness is clean, and I have nothing to worry about because I don’t talk without knowing what I’m saying… I don’t assume things and just believe and hope that they are true! You have all the proofs you need in case one day you are interested!

So, NEVER AGAIN you will make me feel INFERIOR because I’M NOT… I’M NOT afraid to be myself… I defend what I believe… ALWAYS!… And I don’t care about appearances!…

I assume my mistakes and I don’t try to avoid the problems with the expectation that, because we don’t see and talk about them, they will disappear…eventually!… You should know much better!… I prefer to face it and talk about it before something insignificant like a little misunderstanding becomes something huge!… I think you learnt the lesson in the end…at least, I really hope so!

These were the songs I’ve dedicated to you. Enjoy and try to understand the messages between the lines!

This is a goodbye post for someone that at some point crossed my life, but I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no longer any room for someone like that: fake and hypocritical, that pretends and uses others while they are still utile, after that, they are disposed of – just like I was! The OLD you, I would be more than happy to keep in my life – as there are not many people like that anymore (if that person ever even existed!), but this one… NO, thank you! I already have plenty of those trying to mess up my life… If there is something that I hate is ungrateful people… and, with this post, I don’t mean to be that at all! I just think that I must invest in people who value/appreciate me, my time and my friendship! I’ve paid more than enough, for anything that you’ve done for me or helped me with! So, I don’t feel in debt with you at all! You’ve asked to me be happy… well, I guess you will not be part of it!… what a shame!… I will not be able to prove to you that I’m not a bad person, but I guess that if everything I’ve done for all these years never taught you that, then, you’re right… there is nothing else to be said or done! Well, I don’t know why did I always look out for your approval… but that time has ended!…