Oh... how do I miss you... Nelinha!

There is someone that is really important to me since I’m a teenager… At first I didn’t like you very much, I was a bit reluctant and annoyed that I would have to spend time with you. But as I’ve started to know you a little bit better and you showed you were always there for me, my attitude changed and slowly I started letting you into my life…

About 6 months after meeting you, I started realising how nice it is to be seen, heard and to have someone that actually cares about me. You always were a good listener, you always tried to understand even what I didn’t say and after giving your advice or opinion you always asked: “do you agree”? That always made me feel special and part of the conversation, like I had a say on things. You helped me grow in so many levels… You have no idea. With you I’ve also improved my confidence, my way of seeing things and you never judged or doubted me – for that I will always be grateful! You were the only one who I could be myself with, to say the things I never was able to even think out loud… Got to a point that by my face expressions and body language you would know what I was thinking and feeling – sometimes even better than myself! You would always show me in the bible nice advices and I’ve memorized many texts that even now I know by heart! I miss those times so badly! I’ve cried a lot when you had to move – I couldn’t imagine living far apart from you… You are the mother that I always wanted to have and craved for. But getting to grow physically far from you gave me tools to survive… I would still be delighted with the phone calls and messages exchanged. That would always put a smile in my face and make me feel grateful for having you in my life. And when you would visit, oh boy, I cannot even describe it!

“I was so happy for weeks after that…!”

But things changed, because of my mistakes…

I’ve made bad choices and the first time that cost me 7 years without any sign of you. (Rules are rules and I accept them!) Well, I would “cheat” a bit, I would ask my grandma to call you and put the phone in loud speaker so, at least, I could listen to your sweet and reassuring voice. That would make me miss you even more, but at the same time would give me the strength and comfort to keep going. Again, that would make me happy for weeks – and I didn’t have to talk with you, just listen to your voice was enough – at that point. (I knew even if I wanted, there was nothing else I could do!)

Then, things were fixed and, of course, you were the first person who I’ve called saying that now we could speak again. I couldn’t contain my emotions and happiness when speaking with you. But just a few minutes after we were talking for the first time, after all those year, something changed for me and my whole world dropped – you told me that you have been sick in the past few years! Oh, I felt so bad and at the same time so guilty! I felt how much I’ve failed you through my selfish decisions that kept us apart! You’ve said that you were getting better and things were more controlled. Still, I couldn’t forgive myself for not being on your side as you always had been on mine! Deep down I still feel it… I would think about all of our conversations, time spent with each other, times when you would meet me at school because I was upset, times you would take me to school after the study (I would feel the loved daughter!), all the times you would be speaking with me because I was struggling with some problem, … You never said that you were fed up with me texting or calling you (even if you thought so), you always made sure I knew you were one click away… No matter how far away physically we would be from each other. You are the only person that I never got upset or mad with – and believe it can be easy in some ways to hurt me. No matter what, you always made time for me – and that made all difference! You were always very considerate, thoughtful, kind and altruistic – and I love you for that – finally I found someone similar to me! So, when I’ve found out about what you’ve been going through – I couldn’t believe that I wasn’t there for you But I kind of got used to the idea and reluctantly accepted that I can’t change the past. So, I made my best to show you that I’m here from that day onwards. Well, didn’t last as long as I meant!

But after a few more years, even though we’re living in different countries – I made another bad decision and we are already without talking for about 1 year and half. To be honest, that is what hurts me the most than any other rule – don’t be able to talk with YOU! I don’t mind the others so much… But you are the one that keeps me sane, that would put some sense in my head and would help me dealing with my daily struggles. Even though you were not a psychologist, you always helped me to separate the reality from my dreaming world. So, you are the person I miss the most from all the others… But, once again, this was a consequence of my decision. I will fix things soon – at least this is my plan, but before I do it, I need to finish something. I will not make the same mistake I’ve made the last time. I know you would not approve my idea and decision, but that’s why I have to do it before I come back to fix things for good. I don’t want to feel the same way again and time is not something that is on my side neither. So, I know there are many things I cannot have, but I need at least to try something – I cannot wait anymore.

Nelinha, you and your husband since are part of my life have taught me invaluable lessons, showed me what love means and feels like, and the last thing I would do was hurt you on purpose. You know I didn’t do things on purpose, to be at this situation, but something I will agree – as I’m already in it, I’ll take the advantage, at least, to try what I couldn’t have until now, the right way. I know you will be disappointed but, well, for this I will not be sorry if I’m successful! I want to have a family and it’s my goal to make it happen, even if it is just being a mum…

I love you both very much and no matter my decisions and mistakes, my feelings for you will never change! I will always look at both of you as my parents figure – and to be honest, in my heart, you really are!

(Even for all the years that might pass by that we have no contact, I still refer to you as my BEST FRIEND!… I know that no matter how long we don’t see, speak or have news from each other, our friendship and love will never change… YOU are the example of what TRUE love and friendship mean!… You made me believe in it again, when I had lost all my hopes and trust!)

Love you always and we will be able to speak soon, hopefully!!! You’re always with me!… I’m very grateful for having you in my life even when we can’t have any contact!… Love you both very much *ALWAYS* and no matter what!