How to let you go?! Help needed!...

My brain is a funny thing…but my heart is even worse, I guess! Now, imagine what happens when they are not in agreement?!… Well, this is when the party starts… and even without an invite, I have to deal with it all, there is no other option!

My brain is rational (most of the time), logical (on the good days), and a hard worker always… too exhausting, to be honest! It works 25h per day, 365 days/year… yes it’s right, always doing extra hours for free! The brain is the reasonable and factual one!

My heart is somehow warm, a place where I keep the ones I love and remember dearly. It’s a hard place to get to, but once you earn a space in there, it’s trouble to come out… and this is what the brain doesn’t understand. The heart is the deep feeler!

Well, I’m in a middle of a fight between them about many subjects and people…but how to keep the balance? Who is right? Is it actually any right or wrong side when talking about feelings and facts?! Yap, I’m trying to figure it out as well! Please join me on this small journey – it starts to be too much just for me!

– “The person doesn’t care about you anymore, you’re dead to her!” – the brain exclaims. “Why are you still going on about it?!”

– “Just because I’m nothing to someone, that doesn’t mean that I feel the same!” – the heart replies annoyed. “I can’t erase the memories and good times, can I? I don’t forget the good things done for me, I’m grateful for it and I what to give it back!”

– “I guess you’re a bit confused now… keeping memories is one of my many functions, not yours!” – the brain says in a sarcastic tone. “But I can try fixing the problem for you…” – says now laughing hard!

– “You know what I mean!” – reply the heart in an offended tone! “I like to keep people close, if I really like them, I deeply care for them! Why can’t we all be the same?! It would be so much easier!” – says sadly.

– “That would make no sense! People are not robots, they are not programmed with standard settings! And I’m glad about that! It would be boring, to say the least…” – the brain says. “But tell me, what do you still long for a friendship with this person?”

– “Well, I like people that are funny, nice to talk to, good listeners, that care about others, and I guess I really need a best friend – she would be a good fit!” – says. “I keep remembering the times when we were close, we would share personal information, we would trust and have each other’s back and we would be honest, no matter what.”

– “Why did things change? It seems that now you hate each other… why such a reaction?!” – the brain inquiries.

– “I don’t hate her… Well, I’ve tried it, to be honest, to see if that would make things easier… but, as I said, there were really nice things that I cannot just ignore and delete! They were really important to me! I guess they still are! I wish we could have a reset and a delete bottom, so we would erase the bad things or even restart things over again without the bad moments…”

– “So, you don’t hate her. But does she hate you?”

– “Well, I hope not! I guess she is upset as I was for a while…but now I’m able to see beyond the frustration and what went wrong… I’m ready to give it another chance and make sure this time things don’t end up ruined the same way! I know where I went wrong, I’ve learned from what happened! The distance made me realize what I consider important… more than any actions and words unthinking, I miss the person I once considered a good friend and in whom I’ve trusted!”

– “You know that is what you feel, right? But do you think the other person feels the same way?”

– “Unfortunately no!” – says really upset and near in tears. “I would do anything to change that! I know it sounds very needy and like I’m a puppy looking for an owner, but it’s how I feel at the moment!”

– “What do you think could be a good start?” – inquires the brain.

– “I know I’ve said things that might have hurt her, I should have reacted in a different way to certain situations and I could be less sensitive at times. Unfortunately, sometimes, it’s hard for me to hide my emotions when I like someone, I’m afraid that the person will leave (as everyone I love always does!), but not all the time I can keep it together!”

– “Are you saying that not all the time I am as rational as I should be?!” – asks the brain surprised.

– “Mmm… yes!” – mumbles uncomfortably.

– “Mmm… I guess sometimes I do that… I’m sorry if I contribute to your troubles! I didn’t know you were so insecure about people and what you feel!”

– “I am… that’s why I try to create a big barrier so, only the ones that make an effort to break that wall are worth letting in and keep them there. And, sometimes I just feel connected to a person without knowing the reason. This was what happened here… since the day I met her, I could feel that we were so similar in ways of thinking, acting, behaving, dealing with things… I can’t explain it and it seems silly if I even try… Well, I’m crazy I know!” – smiles shyly.

– “I don’t say you are crazy, but doesn’t make much sense to me… mmm, doesn’t matter! Strange things happen sometimes. I understand that!”

– “I think that I’ve looked at her as someone I could rely on, I probably was feeling very lonely and just let the feelings take over. I needed a friend and unconsciously she became that person. I met her in a time of need, maybe if I would meet her on another occasion I would have a different perspective and feelings… I guess!”

– “That’s why when we are lonely and vulnerable we must be careful because it’s the right time to put our guard down and let in people that on a normal occasion we would not even consider. In the same way, it’s on these occasions that we project into others what we need because it makes us feel a little less empty. I guess that was what happened to you. Am I right?”

–“Unfortunately, I think so. I’m glad I’ve met her, don’t get me wrong! But because of my needs at that period of time, I might have put a lot of pressure on her and probably expected too much as well… then, I started to feel put aside and that scared me… I thought she would leave or someone would replace me, we were nasty and unfair to each other at times, and at some point, there was no more trust between us, … well, I don’t want to make excuses, the past is in the past. I’m sorry about what happened and I’ve moved past the negative things! I wish she could as well!”

– “How do you feel after pouring out your concerns?”

– “Mmm, a bit lighter, but telling you things didn’t fix anything, did it? You cannot change the present or the future, can you?”

-“Well, I’m afraid I don’t have superpowers… what have you tried to make things right again?”

– “Well, I’ve tried to explain her things through letters, texts, messages, I’ve tried to speak with her, … but I don’t want to harass her… I gave her time, but probably I’m nothing at all to her as you pointed out. .. you’re right, just because I feel something doesn’t mean she will ever feel the same…”

– “So, seems to me that you already showed her that you would be available to change the way things are.” – the brain concluded.

– “Well, I guess! I would love to be able to put all of this behind my back as well, but how can I? How can I just forget about her? If I’m completely honest, I need her more than I ever did… so, maybe that’s why I cannot let it go! I’m alone, I have no one I can actually call a true friend or who I can trust… so, maybe I haven’t left the vulnerable phase yet…”

– “Why don’t you have friends? Where are the ones you’ve called friends?”

– “It can sound silly and make no sense, but the truth is sometimes there are situations in life that test us and when we make the wrong choice, we must deal with the consequences… so, losing my friends was a consequence of a choice I made.”

– “Mmm…” – the brain feels confused. “I’m sorry, I cannot quite follow you…”

– “So, I was a member of something from where most of my true friends are members as well. But, I had to leave it due to a choice I’ve made. So, now as a consequence, my friends and I are not allowed to talk or socialize. I understand it and I’m ok with that – I knew the rules… but, sometimes I miss the times we would spend together, the places we would go, and the things we had in common. So, I guess now you can understand when I say that I have no one else.”

– “Yes, now I got you. It’s sad though.”

– “Yes it is, but I should have thought about it before making the decision, this is on me… well, this is what happens when I let my feelings and emotions take over… once again… It never ends up the best way, does it?”

– “Well, I guess you might be right. But there will be some exceptions probably. So, what are you gonna do about that person?” – asks the brain concerned.

– “To be honest, I guess I will just give the person time and space, as I’ve been doing. Who knows if one day I will hear anything from her?! I cannot do anything else.”

– “I think it’s the right thing to do! She knows how so you feel so, now you just need to keep going on with your life…you cannot change anything…”

– “I know… but what hurts the most is her silence and indifference… well, maybe it’s her own way of coping and dealing with her feelings… I don’t know and I guess I might never be able to find out.” – say the heart sad. “Do you know something?! I guess it’s the first time we actually talk so calmly and openly about something and agree to an extent! I’m impressed!”

– “Now that you mentioned it, I was thinking the same… we work well as a team, but we need to have more discussions like this in order to make things clear, and put all the facts and feeling on the table. Isn’t it?”

– “I agree! Why don’t we make a pact?!” – says the heart very excited.

– “Here we go… you’re getting too excited now, I’m not sure we should do that!” – exclaims the brain. “Let’s just promise to consult each other and talk about things before taking a decision. How does it sound?”

– “Oh, ok then. Maybe you should be my best friend so I would not need to look for it anywhere else.”

– “One thing at a time heart!”

– “OK, I get it!” – says the heart.

Well, “the party” today actually had an unexpected end… also, there was not so much arguing; they ended up even like friends!

So, for today that was the journey… no worries, I will keep you updated with new developments. I’m sure it will not take long until another argument starts… but this is it for today!

Feelings and reason are crucial, we need both, as human beings;

Each situation has consequences and we must think well before making any decision;

We cannot change the past, but we need to keep going;

We live in the present now and the future will come in its own time;

We cannot predict it we just can do our best in each and every moment now, so we can enjoy it later with no regrets;

We will make mistakes, of course, we will, but we must learn from them!

If you know what you have done wrong, say sorry and please, don’t repeat it!

I will not let my past define or stop me from what I want! My past gave me powerful tools to succeed…! The present is when I put them into practice and the future will be when I will receive my reward/punishment – depending on my actions now!